GABRIELA

The Frozen Dream

2009-05-07T18:55:00.001-07:00

I stepped out into the cold night air, mask covering my face. My long coat kissing the snowy, wet ground, while the heels of my shoes tapped restlessly against the ground. My breathing was heavy and my steps were light. I walked faster as I felt the snow fall upon my shoulder. My eyes burned of the cold and my nose was hard and unmoving. It was becoming harder to reach my destination, for the ground was freezing faster. I knew I had to be there soon; this would be the only chance that I would ever have to be with him.

I wondered if he was going to be surprised, or happy, or maybe even disappointed. Maybe he didn't want to see me. For a reason he hadn't come to my house before. He had never even replied to my letters. Maybe I was just making a mistake visiting him. I hesitated, but moved on. I was just a minute away from his house.

When I reached the mansion on Dream Street, I thought. 'Maybe he won't talk to me, he didn't talk to me before.' I twisted my heel. 'But I love him. I...have to.'

He sat beside the fire reading the letters Sandrine had sent him. She was beautiful, strong, and independent. all that he had ever wanted. But he was afraid of her, of the same qualities that he had learned to love. That's why he hadn't replied to her letters. Maybe this was a good time to visit her, she only lived 15 blocks away.

I hesitated again. I was not going to make a fool out of myself, I'm just going to go. I turned around, somehow knowing this was my last chance. I walked back to where I had come from. Out into the dark snowy night.

He knew that this was his only chance to talk to her and make things right. And so he stepped out into the cold, jacket slung over his shoulder, in case that she needed one. His black hair was dull against his bright red sweater, and his black pants felt humid against the snow.

He carried on his path, he was only 2 minutes away from her house; his body ached from the cold. He walked fast but he tripped. As he lifted his face off the ground he found himself coming face to face with Sandrine. Her hair was glued to her porcelain face and her sweater was wet. "Oh my God, Sandrine, I'm so sorry!" Then realization dawned on him. She had frozen.
"But..how! What where you doing? I'm so sorry I wasn't there with you." A tear slipped.
"How could I be so stupid, so selfish, only thinking of myself. If I would have been there at her house like she asked me to, this wouldn't have happened!"

Sometimes, you just have to trust your teenage hormones and go straight to your boyfriend. But when you're older, you just have to trust your heart.

The Dreamer, the Observer, the Wise, the Liar, the Lover, and the Hater.

2009-04-18T20:41:00.001-07:00

I stared past the window and into the outside world. There they were, the ten Evan sisters. Some blonde, some brunette, and some black haired. There was Dolly the dreamer, Sandra the realistic, Georgina the observer, Alexandria the outgoing, Willow the wise, Clarice the comedian, Cindy the liar, Miria the honest, Loix the lover, and Nadia the hater.

Dolly wrote in her yellow colored notebook, her hopes, her dreams. Sandra frowned as she saw, or rather, believed she saw the ignorance in which Dolly lived in. Georgina stared past the birds and into their nests, how they would feed their newborns, while Alexandria talked, no--- flirted, with her next door neighbor, twirling her long black hair. Willow sat in the corner of their colorless square house, talking to her younger sister, Clarice, while she only ignored her making witty remarks about Willow's advice. Cindy was trying to convince her mother about the fact that she had broken her glass window, her tall mother only nodding, while Miria convinced her father otherwise. And lastly, Loix, in the backyard garden, making love to her enemy, while Nadia fought with hers.

I felt like God as I watched them, like I had control over them. Like somehow, I wasn't part of the world that they lived in. I lived in a whole other world, with other beliefs, plants, animals, and most importantly, people.

Sometimes I would walk past them in the hallway, sometimes we would even talk, but I knew I was never meant to be part of their group. While they would talk about birds, I would think about birds, oceans, and trees. They could never think more than one thing at a time, while I could think a million. I was a whole different species, yet , I was the same. I was all of them at once, Dolly the dreamer, Sandra the realistic, Georgina the observer, Alexandria the outgoing, Willow the wise, Clarice the comedian, Cindy the liar, Miria the honest, Loix the lover, and Nadia the hater.

In the end, their beliefs hung on thread, while mine were carved on iron. Their ideas manipulated and their actions planned. But they were all that I've ever wanted and not wanted to be. They were human.

The Being of Fear

2009-04-11T09:09:00.000-07:00

He sat at the edge of the bed, placing his dark blue socks on. His jet black hair falling over his sleepless eyes and frowning brows. The bare chest of his body exposed to the naked light of the night light. She twisted in her sleep, maybe trying to ignore the nightmares she knew as life. He was careful not to make a sound when he placed on his shoes and carried his small bag out the door.

He turned his car on and the stereo volume up. Taking a big gasp of air, he wiped away the tear that had been born in the corner of his left eye. This was his life, he lived alone for a long period of time, and when he found someone, he had to leave them. Because behind his jet black hair, ocean deep eyes, and sharp, thin nose, was hiding the damnation of a man with a curse. No matter what he did, he always hurt the ones he loved. And so he tried to distance himself away from people, but he always fell in again, for the same person.

Anna Love. She was the thing that he had always wanted, not mattering the price he had to pay to have her. In the end he always drove away, and she would always take him back, because there was no one out there for her better than him. Even if he could barely speak to her without making her cry. Sometimes he would try to hurt himself for what he'd done, but he never could. They would always fight, jokingly of course. But sometimes, he turned those fights into something that he couldn't take back. She said things too, about his past, and the way that he was. But those things, they could be taken back.

He had come from an apparently normal woman, then she left him, leaving him to be raised by a drug user who injected him too. She taught him to steal and sell drugs, as well as other things. He grew to be a monster who hurt everyone he touched, even with the slightest touch of his breath.

He hit the pedal, in hopes that he would be out of the town, the state, the continent, the world.

"He used to live in so much fear of himself that instead of not hurting people, he did hurt them. If only he would have lived as any man lives, forgetting the past, living in the present, and hoping for the future, the only worry he could have had would've been how empty his gel can could be."

The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Knowing, and Experiencing.

2009-03-31T18:39:00.000-07:00

"What would you do if I based my world around you, just so that I could watch you from afar?"-Me.

"Love me, because love doesn't exist, and I have tried every thing that does."-Everything is Illuminated.

I feel that the beauty in this world has been clouded by the damage trust has caused. It's worn out, exploded, rotten, and filthy enough that can't be ignored. I have no idea what to do. Friends are enemies. Enemies are enemies. Where are allies? Where is truth? Maybe true friendship only exists in books like Everything is Illuminated, City of Bones, and Extremely loud and incredibly close. Maybe I've just been so closed out of the world that I haven't noticed how much it has changed and has left me behind with my old 'unusual' thoughts. Pardon me if I sound weird, actually don't. It's like one book said. "I want boys to think I'm pretty if they think I'm pretty."Maybe I've just fallen in love with the wrong person, who if I may say, lives thousands of miles away and isn't even aware of my horrid but real existence. Maybe I'm not in love and I'm just pushing myself to think so.Maybe I just want something I can't get. Maybe I'm wishing for too much. Maybe i just have high expectations.

Don't follow my path. Don't set your expectations so high that nobody reaches them. Set them high enough to be reached my some, but the minority. Don't be stupid and foolish regretting your life and your steps. Don't look bad and realize things you could have done better, just accept.

Is there anybody out there hearing me scream! Is there anybody out there screaming out too! I want to know I'm not alone. Maybe even know that that person I care about feels the same way, even if it's selfish. Because that is the human mind. We are selfish, greedy, lustful, gluttonous, adulterous, and the biggest assholes walking the earth. Some of us are even worse than serial killers, we kill with words. And words are sharper than knives.

I hate you for making me feel this way and I love you for doing it. Maybe you'll know who you are one day. Maybe my feelings will explode inside of me like an atomic bomb and I'll die. I hope you know either way.

Love me ,because love doesn't exist, and I have tried everything that does.

Beauty just isn't in the beholder anymore.

2009-03-10T13:50:00.000-07:00

What if I said that I thought I was falling for someone that I didn't know?

Someone that I have never talked to.

I have only read his thoughts and seen his face.

He's not the best looking guy, I'll admit. I don't care.

He's intelligent, but most importantly, wise.

Enough of that, now on with the actual thing I'm writing about.

Why do people care so much about other people's looks?

Does it help the fact that they may be arrogant and pathetic, jerks?

No. Definetly no.

I mean, being a beautiful bitch doesn't take out being a bitch.

Looks are not the beauty of a person, I have learned the hard way.

But what is a rose without it's thorns?

If I were to only be judged by my looks, I would have no self esteem at all, and I don't have much of it, because I may just be the farthest thing from beautiful.

Thank the gods that there are still un-judjemental people swaying the streets.

But in the end, if you want a good looking guy, you're selfish and spoiled.

And if you want a smart, sincere but maybe not-so-good-looking guy, you haven't looked for the best.

Distorted Images

2009-02-09T12:37:00.000-08:00

I've been having body image issues for the past year. Don't have anorexia or bulimia, just an obsession with having a flat stomach. I feel disgusting if I don't have it, it's become my life.

And apparently I seem to be the only 'fat' girl at my school. I hate it.

Everything is Illuminated

2009-02-02T16:56:00.000-08:00

"If there is no love in the world, we will make a new world, and we will give it walls, and we will furnish it with soft, red interiors, from the inside out, and give it a knocker that resonates like a diamond falling to a jeweller's felt so that we should never hear it. Love me, because love doesn't exist, and I have tried everything that does."

It is the saddest, most beautiful, tragic, and perfect novel I have ever read. It's amazing the way the author can capture you from the first sentence, the hard work is very visible. I have to say, I fell in love with the book, if that is even possible. The depthness it has, the beautiful words, the way that I can relate... I'm in love.

And about my life, I've been bored, sad, and lonely, I also started a 365 picture project. My classes are killing me.

I Hate You...

2009-01-22T15:57:00.000-08:00

I just really don't like you...

I just wanted to say that I hate him/her.

Nothing else, you ignore me, and as a person with self-respect, I'm doing the same.

Friendship lost #4

Blah.

2009-01-12T04:37:00.000-08:00

I completely suck at writing.
Only like 5 people like my story when 67 have read it!
Only 2 messages from people.
2 Rates on the story.
Yeah , I'm feeling awsome!
Note the Sarcasm.
I'm going to keep writing though. Not for people but for me.

I Hate You...No, I wasn't being Sarcastic.

2009-01-07T10:56:00.001-08:00

I decided to start writing a story in this year to accomplish something different. Here are the links if you want to read it. It’s Romance/humor

More humor than romance . It’s a love/hate story but not the typical one.

This is my quizilla profile and there you will find my story

http://www.quizilla.com/user/57pop

This is fiction press

http://www.fictionpress.com/~57pop

Hope you read. And like.

Rebirth

2009-01-06T17:20:00.000-08:00

Do any of you just look at yourself in the mirror and just want to rip it to little shreds?
To just live in a world where you love yourself because you don't have any mirrors around you?
I'm terrified of what I see.
Physically and emotionally.
It scares me to think this way but I just do.
I feel like I've lost all control of myself, like everything around me is close to perfect, and I'm the only one standing at the end of the line.
Like when partial perfection was given I never got my part.
I don't want to feel this way, and I can't tell anyone I know, I prefer to do it here, because you're all strangers, and it's easier this way.
Yeah, I sound pathetic, I know, I'm not that stupid.
And I accept the title.
I just want to feel happy.
Because there's a hole in my nothing close to me can fill.
I feel so ugly and disgusting when I look at myself.
And I am trying to change.
But.....it's not so easy.
I want to scream bloody murder.
I'm not even sure I'm awake.
Sad part is, I know what I need.

I just can't have it.

I don't know anymore.

2009-01-04T14:45:00.000-08:00

So I was watching some show talking about serial killers.
And I got really cought up in it.
I analized those serial killers' actions and
I came up with the fact that most of them are
sociopaths. But that's not what i came to talk about.
Me and a friend where having a conversation,
he proposed the idea that all criminals should be killed.
Specially serial killers.
And I didn't know whether to agree or not.
I believe that serial killers or any type of killer is just a sick person.
It comes from their childhood and if they are
raised wrong they can't really do anything about it.
But then again, they killed people so..?
What's the right answer?

What if Valkyrie...?

2009-01-04T13:14:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I saw the movie Valkyrie, and I recommend it.
The movie made me think,
What if the Valkyrie plan had worked completely?
What if Hitler would've died? How many lives would have been spared?
Is it okay to kill a man and save a thousand, or is it just as bad?
I've always believed that if you changed even one little thing
in the course of history[which I don't know if it can be done =//]
everything changes, so maybe I wouldn't even be here?

Let's start this all over

2008-12-31T08:39:00.000-08:00

Tommorrow it will be a new year.
I will wake up with a new view on life.
Everything will change, I know it because I'm not going to wait around wishing them to change I'm going to force them.
So this year 2008, brought me my share of problems and happiness.
What I did this year:

~I read about 30 books, which of whom I liked them all.
~I lost the weight I had been trying to lose.
~I made friends, and lost most.
~I learned things about myself, some I liked , some I didn't.
~I changed my boring ways into better ones.
~I lost my coldness towards other people.
~I finally started listening to other types of music.
~I'm accepting people more, though I still have a hard time.
~I fell in love with a fictional character.
~I'm not so shy anymore.
~I'm finally taking good photos.
~I learned things about people, and it made me realize a lot about my life.
~I learned that expectations some times are needed, though painful.
~I discovered a person that could be my potential best friend.
~I've learned that the truth is always the best way.
~I've learned that you have to fail to learn.
~Read an 800 page book in less than 1 day.
~I learned that from hard work you get satisfaction.
~I read the book {Note to self} Arrogant boys are just impossible, which changed my life forever.
~And lastly, I popped that bubble surrounding me that kept me from learning.

Now here are my New Years Resolutions:
~Be friends with that person I discovered.
~Be a better person.
~Learn more about myself.
~Love and accept myself.
~Accept others.
~Force things to happen, don't wait around.
~Find those people that I will never be bored of.
~Have more fun.
~Find a new place to hang out.
~Meet new people.
~Enjoy the new seasons and old episodes of Dr. House, Gossip Girl, Monk, Bones, Raising the Bar, In plain sight, Kyle XY, Lincoln Heights, Law and Order, NCIS, Naruto, and much more.
~Read more books.
~Learn more from and about others.
~Find more music.
~Stop being ignorant.
~Actually enjoy holidays.
~And love those who don't love me.

These resolutions seem hard, but I know I can do them.

The Fear by Lilly Allen

2008-12-31T05:02:00.000-08:00

Want to be rich and I want lots of money
I don´t care about clever I don´t care about funny
I want loads of clothes and fuckloads of diamonds
I heard people die while they are trying to find them

I´ll take my clothes off and it will be shameless
‘Cuz everyone knows that´s how you get famous
I´ll look at the sun and I´ll look in the mirror
I´m on the right track yeah I´m on to a winner

[Chorus]
I don´t know what´s right and what´s real anymore
I don´t know how I´m meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
‘Cuz I´m being taken over by The Fear

Life’s about film stars and less about mothers
it´s all about fast cars and passing each other
But it doesn´t matter cause I´m packing plastic
and that´s what makes my life so fucking fantastic

And I am a weapon of massive consumption
and it´s not my fault it´s how I´m program to function
I´ll look at the sun and I´ll look in the mirror
I´m on the right track yeah I´m on to a winner

[Chorus]
I don´t know what´s right and what´s real anymore
I don´t know how I´m meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
‘Cuz I´m being taken over by The Fear

[Bridge]
Forget about guns and forget ammunition
Cause I´m killing them all on my own little mission
Now I´m not a saint but I´m not a sinner
Now everything is cool as long as I´m getting thinner

[Chorus]
I don´t know what´s right and what´s real anymore
I don´t know how I´m meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
‘Cause I´m being taken over by fear

I adore this song, the lyrics are amazing.

I hate myself!

2008-12-30T11:25:00.000-08:00

When I thought I would finally be able to feel that sweet taste of satisfaction
again I am dissapointed.
I hate myself for wanting things I can never have.
I felt like I was so close to what I wanted, but I was very far away.
And I pushed it even more away because I was pushy and stupid.
I hate myspace, it's the worst place ever, it effs up your life.
But I just said that because I wanted to blame things on something.
>_< Nothing helps!

Drawings

2008-12-30T09:30:00.000-08:00

You don't know me: My newest drawing is of Alexandre Evans! It's about how I wish I could know more about the boy in the Tom Ford glasses, and how he's such a mystery.
We want to see so much, we see nothing: The title is self explanatory for a part.Not completly but I'm not going to bother and explain it. This one at least is pretty new.
The Joker : He's my little Agent of Chaos!! I love him. New drawing.
The Man behind the Mask: It's about the way we hide ourselves because we need to, because we're afraid to be found, or because we simply want to find someone who cares enough to search. I'm personally the third. But I hate the way I drew his face. LOL.

The Magician: Old drawing

So much yet so little time: It's about all the things we want to do and don't do, the regret not doing them because of the little time we have in this world. New.
She said he's so sweet I wanna lick the wrapper: This is Kenneth Nixon from the Band Framing Hanley with his beautiful and nice girlfriend April.Very new drawing.
Note to self, Arrogant boys are just Impossible: This was one of the best books I have ever read! And it's not even by a published author, I wish I was like the girl in the book, so carefree. It was written by Erica Geromini and it's sold on Lulu.com, buy it! Old.
Mother of the Sea is self explanatory.Old drawing, again.
This is the Amazing Edgar Allan Poe. Old drawing though.
Darling take me home , to the castle made of skulls and bones: Inspired by HIM.Don't really like the drawing anymore nor HIM that much for that matter , I'm over my dark phase.
Breath: this drawing is old but it means a lot to me even if its ugly, the meaning of it is weird but very close to me. It's about when there are situations in life that just don't let you move on and they take the breath right out of you, and you have to remind yourself to keep on breathing.
Break my Fall: This drawing, I don't like much either, but I also love the meaning. It's about when someone you trusted to 'break your fall' let you down. Expectations basically.
Truth Beneath the Rose:This is by far my most complicated drawing. It's meaning is very long but I'm going to try to explain it. The Rose represents the sugar coat that it's put over societies biggest problems, and under it we find societies biggest problems, but they are too hard to explain so you're just going to have to figure it out yourself. Or no one for that matter.
This is Amy Lee from Evanescence , it has no explaining needed.This one's old.
This is lovely, talented, and intelligent Alexandre Evans.Pretty old drawing too.

I'm officially on a posting roll.
I decided to post my drawings here, even though no one's going to see them.
But whatever.

Dead

2008-12-30T08:56:00.000-08:00

Great.
I have just found a new fear [Add it to the collection].
I'm afraid of being dead.
Of dying before I get to do the many things I want to accomplish.

List:

-I want to have a real conversation with Alexandre Evans, I can't die without doing so. After reading his posts I feel like we could really get along and understand each other.

- I won't die without visiting, Japan, Spain, Canada, Italy, Russia, Germany, France, and so on.

-I can't die without publishing those books I still haven't finished writing.

-I can't die without finding that friend whom understands me and is like me, not a hypocrite copying my every move acting as though he or she understands.

-I can't die knowing I've hurt people and haven't said sorry.

-I won't die without finding out my purpose.

-I can't die without finally drawing something that I like.

-I won't die without at least leaving a little good mark on this earth.

-I can't and won't die until I am happy to die without fear.

Expectations

2008-12-30T08:42:00.000-08:00

After reading Alexandre Evans latest blog post, I felt
inspired to write what I wrote on the super duper long comment I
left him. So here it goes, I know no one's going to read this but I'll live.

Definition of Expectations: Greatest crap on the planet.

I posted a similar blog in my account a while ago.
It does feel like I'm asking for a lot when I don't have things my way.
I hate when people change , and sometimes having expectations
about them fucks [sorry it had to be said] everything up.
It's happened to me with every person I've met.
I wish that one day I could just stop expecting people to be
the way I want them to be, but...I'm not so sure I'll succeed anyway.
And people tell me I'm never satisfied with anything ,
friends especially. For example, I get a new friend,
I'm so excited I have finally found someone who understands me,
but in the end, they're nothing like what you wanted, and often my mom tells me I can't expect everyone to be the same as me, but
I'm so stubborn! I never pay any attention to her.
Maybe we're[Me and Alexandre] both idiots for wanting things to go our way.
I want things to be exciting and fun too, but I know life isn't that way,
and even knowing it, I don't accept it. I wish that one day I could just
wake up a new person, with a whole different view of life.
Just having fun and talking to everyone and not being so picky.

Not feeling empty for once, just being ALIVE.

Sounds easy right?

Not really. It's probably the hardest thing I could ever do.
But wishing doesn't really hurt you? Lies. Nasty Lies.

Have you ever felt like...?

2008-12-14T17:59:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt like you have no one to talk to?
even though there are so many people sorrounding you.
You just don't know how to trust them?
Like your friends are not really real, like they just agree with what you say because they're probably sociopaths who want to fit in?
Okay maybe I went too far XD. That the only place where you are okay is in your own little world
drawing, writing, reading, and taking pictures?
Like you don't know how to express emotions or even feel them sometimes?
Like you don't know yourself? Like you hate what you do know about yourself?
Like you just want to close yourself in a little box, but you're afraid of that little box because there you might not find what you're looking for either?
Like you can't accomplish the things you have tried to work so hard for?
Like you want to be free but don't know how to be free?
Like you want to be alone but not feel lonely?
Like you're afraid of making descicions because they might be wrong?
Like you feel you walk a path with no direction?
Like you have no inspiration?
Sometimes I feel like my 'friends' make my life more boring,
and I feel bad for feeling this way, but,
they make my life worse sometimes, like they want to do nothing,
just sit around and mope and all you want to do is avoid that.
I want better friends.I want to know the meaning of everything I see.
And it's hard, because I know I'll never know anything.
I have knowledge of what I don't need to know, which is sort of sad.
But not of what I actually do need. I just would like life to be....
SIMPLE.
As simple as you can solve a problem when you write a book, and
you're not living what's happening in it.
I Want to be able to LIVE again. Not having to ask myself so many questions.
And wanting so many answers. I want to be a child.
An ignorant child, because ignorance is bliss.
I want to live in my own little world, where I can control anything and everything.

I don't really want any of that. But I do.
Because if I lived in my own little world I would already be sick of myself.
Because I wouldn't learn anything if every prblem just solved itself.
Because without those boring friends life wouldn't be the same.
Because those problems are the meaning of growing up and being alive.
Because maybe I couldn't take the knowledge I don't have. Some things are better left unknown.
Because maybe I'm not meant to have inspiration right now, it might just come later.
Because maybe not feeling emotions at the moment it's what is best.
Because maybe just maybe I don't know what I really want.

....Sorry for ranting.
If you don't read this, it's okay, and if you do, then great. Maybe , just maybe you might feel the same way as I do. This is probably a one-way conversation only but whatever.

~Gabriela

School

2008-12-01T11:30:00.000-08:00

God! I still have 3 weeks of school!

And I'm so sick of studying!!!!!

Which totally sucks when you have so much things you would like to do now!

List of things to do:

-Watch Gossip Girl

-Don't procrastinate

-Draw

-Read

-Write

-Design

-Study

-Clean

-Take pictures

-Use computer for actual studying

I think I have only succeded in watching Gossip Girl [which reminds me that it is today at 9pm!]

Got to study! I'll be publishing pictures and drawings soon.