Have you ever felt like...?

Have you ever felt like you have no one to talk to?
even though there are so many people sorrounding you.
You just don't know how to trust them?
Like your friends are not really real, like they just agree with what you say because they're probably sociopaths who want to fit in?
Okay maybe I went too far XD. That the only place where you are okay is in your own little world
drawing, writing, reading, and taking pictures?
Like you don't know how to express emotions or even feel them sometimes?
Like you don't know yourself? Like you hate what you do know about yourself?
Like you just want to close yourself in a little box, but you're afraid of that little box because there you might not find what you're looking for either?
Like you can't accomplish the things you have tried to work so hard for?
Like you want to be free but don't know how to be free?
Like you want to be alone but not feel lonely?
Like you're afraid of making descicions because they might be wrong?
Like you feel you walk a path with no direction?
Like you have no inspiration?
Sometimes I feel like my 'friends' make my life more boring,
and I feel bad for feeling this way, but,
they make my life worse sometimes, like they want to do nothing,
just sit around and mope and all you want to do is avoid that.
I want better friends.I want to know the meaning of everything I see.
And it's hard, because I know I'll never know anything.
I have knowledge of what I don't need to know, which is sort of sad.
But not of what I actually do need. I just would like life to be....
SIMPLE.
As simple as you can solve a problem when you write a book, and
you're not living what's happening in it.
I Want to be able to LIVE again. Not having to ask myself so many questions.
And wanting so many answers. I want to be a child.
An ignorant child, because ignorance is bliss.
I want to live in my own little world, where I can control anything and everything.



I don't really want any of that. But I do.
Because if I lived in my own little world I would already be sick of myself.
Because I wouldn't learn anything if every prblem just solved itself.
Because without those boring friends life wouldn't be the same.
Because those problems are the meaning of growing up and being alive.
Because maybe I couldn't take the knowledge I don't have. Some things are better left unknown.
Because maybe I'm not meant to have inspiration right now, it might just come later.
Because maybe not feeling emotions at the moment it's what is best.
Because maybe just maybe I don't know what I really want.

....Sorry for ranting.
If you don't read this, it's okay, and if you do, then great. Maybe , just maybe you might feel the same way as I do. This is probably a one-way conversation only but whatever.

~Gabriela